Tumblr Tuesdays: Genius In A Bottle

Tue, May 21, 2013 02:58 PM by Shannon Lucas

There apparently exists a sort of trend in China right now where people submit every day, ho-hum pictures of themselves to the Internet with specific requests directed at more Photoshop-inclined individuals to retouch and generally zazz up the originals.

This, in itself, is old hat. People have been submitting such requests to their online communities of choice, the whole world over, for years now. What's noteworthy in this case is the literal-minded brand of antagonism that Chinese Photoshoppers seem to have perfected as a result. Ask and ye shall receive. Receive and ye shall wish you worded your requests more carefully.

For instance, don't use coloquialisms like, "Make me hot sh*t on the Net please!"

There's something about him now. He just seems...I dunno...more accomplished somehow.

Of course, social status is a reasonable thing to strive for and its pursuit can often teach valuable lessons in humility. More especially when you attempt shortcuts to social standing by saying, "I want to look like the son of a powerful politician!"

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Sudden Death

Tue, May 21, 2013 01:36 PM by Soup Staff

When Canadian singer Alexis Normand stepped out onto the ice at the 2013 Memorial Cup game on Saturday, it quickly became evident that she'd pulled an all-nighter to prepare for the "The Star-Spangled Banner."

Despite her impressive Feist-esque vocal abilities, the crowd couldn't help but question her commitment upon hearing the lyrics, "With the rabbits we save/ and the doughnuts still leaving." That said, please go easy on her. She usually butchers her anthems in French.
 

According to her reps, she's still available for birthdays and Mad Libs conventions.

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Legdrop That Beat

Mon, May 20, 2013 04:24 PM by Soup Staff

Thanks to Miguel, or rather the Peter Pan of R&B, Justin Bieber wasn't the only one hurt this weekend at the Billboard Music Awards. Don't worry, Miguel is fine; in fact, he even snagged a free backward piggy back ride! But an innocent fan named Khyati learned the hard, in-your-face lesson, that sticks and stones may break your bones, as can an unexpected flying crotch when a performer leaves their body for a split second to audition for Cirque de Soleil.

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Caption This!: Bare Cross-Bearing Crossing

Mon, May 20, 2013 04:14 PM by Shannon Lucas

Taking the whole 'born again' thing rather literally, aren't we?

Friends and family are trying to be supportive but this religious streak of his came out of nowhere.

 

Have a better caption for this stitchless sprinting spiritualist? Submit your own apocryphal offerings in the comments section below. The owner of the funniest and most original submission will receive psalms of praise, here and on our Facebook page. The end is nigh; Thursday at midnight, so be sure to have your ideas in before then. Let the Naked Jesus Race begin!

via Cheezburger

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Heating Up The Charts

Mon, May 20, 2013 01:35 PM by Soup Staff

Good news, fans of Barry Manilow-lookalikes…Tan Mom Patricia Krentcil is back! Oh wait, she was never gone, and seems to have the staying power of a severed octopus tentacle. For those who thought she'd been washed up by a wave pool riddled with urine and bomb pop stick bacteria, she's just been busy working on her very first music video, "It's Tan Mom"—perfect for those who want to burn their corneas due to extreme usage of the Brightness/Contrast function.

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Threat Assessment: Swift Kick to the Bieber

Mon, May 20, 2013 12:56 PM by Shannon Lucas

We're sailing into troubled waters here, folks. A battle appears to be fomenting between two of the world's most entitled tween icons and first blood was drawn last night at the Billboard Music Awards. It seems Taylor Swift was none too pleased that her rival for the hearts and minds of all pubescence, Justin Bieber, beat her out to win the Milestone Award. When asked point blank about the upset, Swift responded thusly:

Could just be a professional rivalry. A little healthy competition never hurt anyone, right? Then again, this is Taylor Swift we're talking about. Her gears of angst must be grinding and belching smoke right about now, laboriously churning out her next inevitable hit about being slighted...yet again. And if you think it ain't personal, oh it is. It most definitely is.

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Negative Reinforcements

Mon, May 20, 2013 11:15 AM by Shannon Lucas

Some of the best movie moments are those where the main characters have clearly had enough. Be it out of terror or frustration or implacable loss, an anguished, "NOOOOOO!!!" is perhaps the best way to let it all out and let the audience know that sh*t's gone sideways. String a bunch of these dramatic outbursts together and you've got yourself an effective everyday tool for telling people, "Thanks, but no thanks."

 

 

Queue this one up on your smartphone and keep it handy for solicitors outside of supermarkets. Or for overly tenacious offspring. Or just to annoy your friends. The possibilities are endless!

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Leftover Soup 5/17/13

Fri, May 17, 2013 03:47 PM by Lizzy Cooperman

The time has come for you, like Kim Kardashian, to cut your feet free from their perspex prisons, rest them gently on a plush ottoman, and allow them to morph from murdered Play-Doh back to their naturally intended forms. It's time to free yourself like like Nicki Minaj from American Idol from your daily stresses and check yourself into your personal sanctuary; the Betty Ford clinic of your mind. Indeed, it's your moment to enjoy this weekly link round-up, and allow your worries to disipate like the fat from this dog who had plastic surgery. 

FROM THE SOUP TV

Ke$ha looked like someone last week, but we just can't put our greasy extension on it.

Are the rumors true? Is Beyoncé pregnant?? We hired a translator to find out.

We celebrated sons who love their mother in especially Oedipal ways.

Kanye had his very first headache not caused by a nasal inflection.

We took a historical tour of Aberchubby & Blimp.

Tan Mom will appear in her first porno, but she's burned brightly on screen before.

Thanks to Snooki's new sunglass line, kids can finally black out in style.

We found out which Teen Mom was voted Most Likely To Demand Child Support.

If you want to feel really great about your talents, come take a look what we reGIFted.

FROM THE WEB

Our prayers are with Amy and her family as they recover from this reality sh*tstorm.

We're preparing ourselves to say goodbye to yet another View-Master.

Everytime a soft lens is applied,  Ahmed Angel gets photoshopped wings.

 

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Clippos Overreactivos

Fri, May 17, 2013 02:04 PM by Soup Staff

It's been a week of both major and minor revelations in the world of entertainment news; enough goings-on that we thought it might be time to check in with our friends in Telanovela Land again. Frankly, we're surprised they find the time to care, what with all the assassination plots and long lost siblings they have to attend to. But true to form, they're right there with us, taking the news a little harder than most and bearing their souls unabashedly.

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Nerve Wracker

Fri, May 17, 2013 09:40 AM by Shannon Lucas

Some people really go in for the snap-crackle-pop approach to relief that's offered up by chiropractors. On the other hand, many find this form of therapy a little too off-putting for serious consideration. For those in the latter category, we might recommend watching this commercial for Ryan Lee Chiropractic Center with the sound turned down. You may not get the full effect but you can still experience Mr. Lee staring into your soul, as he works his unorthodox brand of mojo.

 

 

Say what you will about chiropraxis but that magic Mr. Lee does to your gums and molars will make you feel like a million bucks. Or, at the very least, like a modestly compensated actor from Craigslist.

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