A Bachelor to Die For
How innocent we were when we first mocked Sean Lowe for his constant, yet seemingly harmless strength training. We laughed. We made our montages. Those were sweeter times, weren't they? But now, three ambulances and sixteen "accidental" spills later—not to mention Selma's defenseless boobs strapped so tightly into a sports bra they nearly suffocated to death…we're starting to put the pieces together. Think about it. If you were a strapping, single guy like Sean, what would you want more out of the spotlight: a staged engagement, or to star in your own documentary at Sundance?
At this point, it's obvious. Sean has a plan…a plan clearer than the Monotype Corsiva font on an invitation to a Fantasy Suite. This week, he even pitted the women against each other under conditions so extreme they could have caused serious harm, such as sweating away a spray tan.
Will we continue to turn a blind eye to Sean's excessive showers? Have we not contemplated his pale, sun-kissed locks, wondering if he just might be scrubbing with bleach? Do we not sit idly by every Monday night, as the jacuzzi silently crawls to boiling hot temperatures, and the UNDENIABLY GREASED STEPS of the spiral staircase grow slipperier and slipperier, week after week?
Why did he festoon Leslie H. in Badgely Mischka and Neil Lane jewelry, only to lure her into an empty mansion and ask if she'd ever been in a serious relationship? And why did he refer to her family as "next of kin"? Didn't his anger seem to ripen with every "Holy Toledo, Batman!" she uttered? Did you ever stop to wonder what happened to the scheduled musician, Ben Taylor, who was all set to serenade Sean and Leslie had they clicked? What if he was later found making out with a Bachelor P.A. in the green room...the only fate worse than death??
As our civic duty, we took it upon ourselves to launch an investigation. According to our secret source (one of the sconces on the wall of the Bachelor mansion), here's what Sean has planned for the weeks to come:
Swimming With Chum Necklaces
Paintball With Real Guns
Extra-Slack Bungee Jumping
Bikini Photo Shoot In Afghanistan
Day-Old Sushi Tasting
Unprotected Sex In Heroin Den (Group Date)
So, the next time someone interrupts your one-on-one time with Sean, take a moment to thank her. Because in the end, she's less likely than Sean to actually throw you under a bus.