Julia Child Abuse

Thu, May 16, 2013 04:29 PM by Jessie Gaskell

Fox knows the throbbing purple vein on Gordon Ramsay's forehead is a perfect barometer for his show's ratings. When the vein becomes engorged with blood, typically the result of someone's cooking ineptitude, ratings go through the roof.

Fox execs had been struggling to supply Gordon with a steady stream of terrible chefs, when it occurred to them: who could be worse in the kitchen, than children?! That's the genius behind Fox's new fall show, "Junior Master Chef. " This is not a joke – Gordon Ramsay will judge budding chefs ages 8-13 and, ideally, crush their dreams and will to live with his unchecked rage. It sounds like a completely inappropriate and potentially damaging abuse of television. So yeah, we'll be watching!

Here are some moments we hope we can look forward to (Okay, this part is a joke).

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Teen Mom Yearbook

Thu, May 16, 2013 01:00 PM by Jessie Gaskell

Teen Mom is MTV's biggest cautionary tale against the dangers of unprotected reality show participation. After five seasons of airing this hour-long Trojan commercial, MTV has given birth (so to speak) to the careers of many new sexually and/or criminally active reality stars.

But how do the graduates of the Teen Mom training program perform in the real world? Let's catch up with some of their most prominent alumni...

FARRAH ABRAHAM

Farrah's probably had the biggest media presence lately after the release of her private sex tape — or should we say "private" "sex" "tape" — Backdoor Teen Mom. The tape sold to Vivid entertainment for $1.5 million, immediately after which Farrah was spotted driving a new $400K Lamborghini, despite our insistence that it loses $100K in value the moment you drive it off the lot.

Farrah was pleased to learn that her sex tape broke the record for downloads previously held by another reality star who shall not be named (Voldemort). Farrah also just inked a six figure diet pill endorsement — perhaps following in the footsteps of Voldemort's Trimspa deal.

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Funky Fre$ha

Tue, May 14, 2013 01:19 PM by Jessie Gaskell

Ke$ha looked hot – let me finish – ter than usual on the set of her new music video. In fact, this might be the best she's ever looked.

Something about her ensemble seems familiar. And it's not from waking up inside a Cancun dumpster the morning after an Easter rager. Where have we seen this look before…?

Bo Derek in "Perfect 10?" Not quite...

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Breaking: Skulls

Mon, May 13, 2013 11:30 AM by Jessie Gaskell

If you felt the world stop spinning for a moment, it was because Kanye West hit his head on a metal sign while walking into a Beverly Hills restaurant Friday afternoon. He must have been blinded by love for the world's most luminous, magnificent, special, talented human being: himself. 

The only thing Kanye injured was his pride, but the pain seemed to awaken some real emotions in Kanye. Luckily, human garbage receptacles—what we call "paparazzi"—were around to take the heat for it. 

I love how the paparazzo follows him inside while saying, "You want me to leave, I'll leave Kanye!"

If by "leave," you mean, "follow you around forever and ever and be best friends and be in the delivery room when the baby comes and maybe eat a part of the placenta like I got to do for pop singer Tiffany before the restraining order and then I kill you and wear your skin as a suit and live in your house and marry your Mom." But only if you want me to!

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Throwback Thursday: Komputer Tutor

Thu, May 09, 2013 05:12 PM by Jessie Gaskell

Do you know what a computer is? It's the thing you're reading this on, dummy! (Unless you're on our mobile site, in which case, good luck getting the video to play!)

Before Kim Kardashian, there was the original alliterative alpha female: Kim Komando. This Kim K. made millions as a radio host and tech guru with a no-nonsense attitude toward learnin' ya stuff. Here's an excerpt from her popular series, Komputer Tutor, where Kim teaches everything you need to know about MS Dos, Solitaire 1.0, and matching your lipstick to your power suit. 

It's incredible to see how far we've come. To think we ever used rolodexes to masturbate!

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Threat Assessment: Home Alone No More

Thu, May 09, 2013 02:45 PM by Jessie Gaskell

Between assessing the varying threat levels of ricin and rice (I know, carbs will kill you), you don't have time to wonder about all the other terrifying dangers out there. So we're compiling them for you in a convenient list!

This week it was reported that Macaulay Culkin and Pete Doherty have moved in together. That's right, it's The Odd Couple with two Oscars - the heroin-addiction-recovering child star is now roommates with the guy who taught Amy Winehouse how to party. You might be thinking, "That sounds like a bad idea!" OK square, consider yourself not invited to the housewarming (But keep your phone on in case they need someone sober to call 911!)

So, how do these guys even know each other? Apparently they met on set while filming a movie about ketamine, the horse tranquilizer (and how awesome it is, presumably??) They met at the craft services table when their hands reached for the same red vine, and the rest is history! Now they can do nothing but sit around, talk about how they both dated wayyyy out of their league, how the rehab system is an ineffective waste of time, oh yeah, and do assloads of heroin.

A source said:

"Macaulay and Pete may seem an odd couple but they've got loads of interests and life experiences in common [like constantly doing drugs]. They bonded over their love of poetry and art [and drugs]. Macaulay can't get enough of listening to Pete waxing lyrical about his painting and music [and favorite drugs]. He's always been a fan of extreme characters like Pete [and a HUGE fan of drugs]. Look at the way he defends his childhood friend MICHAEL JACKSON [reason for doing drugs]. Pete also loves talking to Macaulay about acting, as he's been trying to launch a movie career [so he can buy more drugs!!!]."

Where does this rank on the threat charts? Well, that depends on who you are. If you're either of these guys, or the people who love them, or the emergency responders in the area, or health care providers, or anyone who hates seeing someone spiral into the black hole of addiction, this is a Defcon 3. 

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Tiger Bombed

Wed, May 08, 2013 04:52 PM by Jessie Gaskell

Kim Kardashian's style choices weren't the only thing getting hammered at the Met Gala—sources say Tiger Woods was laying heavily on the sauce. According to Us Weekly, Tiger got so crunk he actually fell UP the stairs at one point and had to wait for girlfriend Lindsey Vonn to come help him. 

But the biggest proof of Tiger's tipsiness is in the pudding—pudding soaked in 80 proof alcohol. Photos from the Met Gala tell the story of Tiger's progressively smashed state. Let's examine the 6 stages of drunk Tiger Woods:

 

STAGE 1: FEELIN' NO PAIN

At this point, Tiger is just enjoying himself, enjoying the new blonde on his arm, enjoying not being in the news for cheating (of any kind). This is (almost) better than Ambien!

 

STAGE 2: BLOODSHOT

Tiger's eyes are turning the same color as the carpet, and he has the distracted look of a man whose flask is empty. Will his girlfriend stop taking selfies so he can find the bar with the shortest line?!

 

STAGE 3: TOP OF HIS GAME

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Autotune in 3, 2, 1...

Tue, May 07, 2013 02:02 PM by Jessie Gaskell

In the proud tradition of Antoine Dodson, Sweet Brown, and Kai the Hatchet-Wielding Hitchhiker comes the latest news-witness-turned-internet-celebrity: Charles Ramsey. Charles isn't just a witness in this case—he's also the man who called 911 when he heard kidnapping victim Amanda Berry screaming for help. Luckily Charles, with his real-talk attitude not yet sullied by Nancy Grace, was available at the scene for an interview.

Charles' new show, "Is this White Girl Homeless or Got Problems?" premieres this fall on NBC after "Celebrity Knifethrowing!"

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Miley's Lies

Mon, May 06, 2013 04:00 PM by Jessie Gaskell

Miley, we know you're a woman now. But when did you become a lying liar who lies???

Last week, you told Elle Magazine that you don't like to post pictures of your dogs on Twitter because of how much you value your privacy. The news didn't sit well with our host.

Apparently the Cinco de Mayo fairy heard our cerveza-fueled wishes, because over the weekend Miley posted an entire compendium of dog photos on Twitter and Instagram. She posted so many dog photos, Amanda Bynes called to ask if she was okay. The tasteless, in-your-face dog porn distribution went on for hours...

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Reese's Polices

Mon, May 06, 2013 12:53 PM by Jessie Gaskell

Dash cam footage of Reese Witherspoon's arrest premiered today, and the reviews are in: though the dialogue is clunky and the plot is a bit thin, Reese shines as the lead actress! Before you see it in theaters this weekend, we got some promo clips in an EPK and we thought we'd share. 

Here's a scene where Reese pretends to be pregnant in order to stop her husband's DUI arrest. 

Here Reese's character evokes shades of Elle Woods as she continuously insists she's an American citizen and uses Elle's favorite phrase, "This is BEYOND."

And in this final scene, she plays a very entitled and wealthy celebrity who tries to use her fame to influence people. What a turn!

All in all, it's on Oscar winner, but it's a carefree romp. Three enthusiastic breathalyzer puffs!

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