We Can't Stop (At One Idea)

Wed, Jun 19, 2013 02:27 PM by Lizzy Cooperman

For those who can't glean a storyline based on the sophisticated concepts in Miley Cyrus' new video for "We Can't Stop," it's clearly a story about a woman who's throwing a hypersexual garage sale. In her journey to master the art of side-tongue, she befriends a trio of well-butted wise women who teach her to repurpose t-shirts into swimwear. Despite her apparent hardship, she remains upbeat, providing a contrast to the darkly profound lyrics: "So la da di da di, we like to party."

According to music video officials, Miley actually left out some footage from the original shoot. Here are some equally titilating moments that ended up on the cutting room floor:

–Seduction of a corndog in a dunk tank

–Orthodonic butt braces

–A blinged-out cock fight

–A Nyquil-oozing skeleton in a Billy Ray Cyrus mask

–An American Apparel ad. Oh wait, the whole thing was one of those. Never mind.

What do you think the video's missing??

---

From The Pitt Of Hell

Wed, Jun 19, 2013 12:53 PM by Lizzy Cooperman

For thirty years, the pants have remained silent. Now, for the first time in history, they're back to claim the legs they deserve.

---

Courtney Stodden: Journey To The Breast

Tue, Jun 18, 2013 02:13 PM by Lizzy Cooperman

It's a particularly heavy-hearted day for those of us who took Courtney Stodden for a girl who would never put one past us, because we couldn't see past what we thought were her enormous, NATURAL boobs. Ladies and Gentlemen, we've been bamboob-zled.

According to Courtney's giggle-filled confession, she's been deceiving us for years with the help of a no-good, double-crossing padded bra. But now she's doing the noble thing, and making it RIGHT. Because there's nothing more honest than obtaining silicone implants.

Courtney wants to assure her fans that, contrary to rumors, her new boobs are completely organic, 100% silicone. 

---

Leftover Soup 6/14/13

Fri, Jun 14, 2013 04:50 PM by Lizzy Cooperman

Once you've come to terms with the fact that a stone cold, Jr. Vanilla-loving maverick one-upped the now legendary Taco Bell Shell Licker, thus beating you to your lifelong dream of suckling at the bosom of a Frosty machine, why not take a moment and abandon your vengeful, now Popeye's Cajun Mashed Potatoes-themed vision board, and take a stroll through these preciously hand-picked links.

FROM THE SOUP TV

Kim Kardashian's penmanship looks very "Lucinda Handwriting" font-like. Oh well, this letter to her future daughter is totally real.

It would be nice if at least ONE of these Superman characters had the power to hand-out blindfolds.

We learned that Taylor Swift has almost as many dance moves as men who wish to avoid her.

This blog post about The Bachelorette was brought to you by Tommy's Formalwear!

We saw how Al Pacino nearly hoo-ha'ed his way into Die Hard.

We heard a cover of the Game of Thrones song from the bowels of the earth that sounded like actual bowels.

Who would have guessed that Justin's most devoted fan was the one right over his shoulder, boulder holder.

 

FROM AROUND THE WEB

Short Committee Guy will slay Tyron's Bodyguard when he sees this. Thanks, Dad.

David Letterman remains diplomatic, even when it comes to rentals.

And, lastly...for a rib shack owner named Flavor Flav, it is TIME.

---

Today’s Special: The Soup Investigates

Thu, Jun 13, 2013 11:10 AM by Lizzy Cooperman

Instead of standing on the sidelines waiting for bad television to come to us, we've taken a more active role with The Soup Investigates. Join Joel and a host of investigative correspondents as they plumb the depths of pop culture. For instance, Eli Olsberg did this incisive piece where he purposely traumatized a trio of unsuspecting tweens.

And then there's this revelatory report from Christine Lakin about the dangers of Game of Thrones cosplay. Those dangers namely being a prolonged virginity.

Tune in for The Soup Investigates on Wednesday, June 19 at 10:30/9:30c. Get the full story on the stories you didn't need to hear in the first place.

---

Love For Sale

Wed, Jun 12, 2013 09:28 AM by Lizzy Cooperman

It's beginning to look as if this season of The Bachelorette might actually succeed in out-irritating all the others. But before we blame the obligatory harness-required sports, or the contestants, who are just as exciting as graphing porabolas while eating unflavored rice cakes, let's ask ourselves: Are we annoyed for the right reasons?? We're only on Episode Three, and already the excessive product placement is well underway.

Last night, a Stephen Baldwin-esque stuntman arrived, and taught the suitors how to fight greed and corruption—all in the honorable name of promoting Disney's new movie The Lone Ranger.  And we regret to inform you that the shameless advertising doesn't end there. We have an exclusive look at the ruthless product placement to come.

Since they can't get Creed, the show opts, instead, for Slipknot. Des and Chris slowdance to "Butcher's Hook" until the sun comes up.

The rose ceremony served as the perfect vehicle to work-in Swiffer's new WetJet. And don't worry, they justify it with a few simple lines about how "love is messy," "relationships require effort," and "someone ejaculated on the floor."

Sure, millions are against Monsanto. But not many people liked Justin "Rated R" Rego from Season 6, either. Desiree and her hunk really bond on this date, as they discuss the possibility of genetically modified children.

---

Bieber Fan, Busted

Mon, Jun 10, 2013 06:00 PM by Lizzy Cooperman

For Justin Bieber, it was an average night of squeaking along in pleather high tops and an astronaut diaper, when all of a sudden, a seemingly innocent bra hit the stage. Fascinated by its voluminous shape, he quickly snapped a photo and posted it to Instagram. But, while Justin merely acted as a keen bra-observer, much to our dismay, he was actually the observed.  In other words, the stage was not their first "accidental" meeting. And we have the leaked photos to prove it.

The Bra was first spotted pursuing Justin at the mall. After lurking near a Whetzel's Pretzels for nearly three hours, she finally lucked out, and caught him at Lids.

The Bra can't be fooled by tinted windows. Plus whenever she feels him getting closer, her gel inserts start to harden.

---

Kardashian Kollection

Thu, Jun 06, 2013 05:08 PM by Lizzy Cooperman

As most computer owners know, the public showing of Daniel Edwards' sculpture LA Fertility isn't Kim Kardashian's first unveiling. Still, we we were curious as to how historians will eventually use it to interpret cultural events—so we teleported into the future by way of a ten minute nap, and then we made this.

If only they had preserved her phone—ah, all that meaningful culture, lost.

---

Where There's A Will

Wed, Jun 05, 2013 02:40 PM by Lizzy Cooperman

Shortly after After Earth was likened to recycled oatmeal, Will Smith announced that he's ready to leave the blockbusters behind. We always knew the day would come when he'd abandon us like this, vulnerable and unprotected from the extraterrestrial scum of the universe.

Still, we can't wait to find deeper meaning in our ultimitely futile existences through the lens of his upcoming indie projects!

500 Days Of Summertime

You'll be leaving the theater wondering, "What is our purpose?", "Is Summer even real?" and "How long was that?"

The Squid And The Will

Again, the goal is for these films to not do well at the box office. Or wait, what was the point? How about in twenty years, we'll have Dr. Drew ask Jaden.

---

Stripped Of Dignity

Tue, Jun 04, 2013 03:52 PM by Lizzy Cooperman

With Amanda Bynes struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel; let alone anything from behind her Gandalf-with-bangs wig, what better moment for Playboy to step in and offer her a position?

Rest assured, the magazine hasn't asked Amanda to pose nude, or even appear in the flesh. They've simply asked for her to co-host their radio show at a time when she's crawling across the eyeliner-smudged floor of her hyperdramatic existence.  So, where did Playboy learn this small and manipulative behavior??

As it turns out, they inherited their crafty ways from their unsuspecting sister. That's right. They learned it from PLAYGIRL. Just look at all the emotional trainwrecks Playgirl's propositioned.

STEPHEN HAWKING

Playgirl knew that Hawking cheated on his wife, and that the theoretical predictions haven't exactly been crawling out of the woodwork--so what better time to bring him onboard?

Excited, Hawking blurted, "My safe word is 'String Theory'!" And, "My ex-wife? Like throwing a hot dog down a black hole! Ha. Ha. Ha."

Hawking is set to start on July 10th, selling subscriptions over the phone.

DUSTION DIAMOND

When Playgirl approached Dustin in his dimly lit, dorito-infested dungeon, they knew he was a sure thing.  Plus his whole bra-on-the-head/"let's watch my sex tape!" act reeked of amateurish desperation. Dustin's counting down the minutes to his first day as a wardrobe rack.

---