Caption This!: Bare Cross-Bearing Crossing

Mon, May 20, 2013 04:14 PM by Shannon Lucas

Taking the whole 'born again' thing rather literally, aren't we?

Friends and family are trying to be supportive but this religious streak of his came out of nowhere.

 

Have a better caption for this stitchless sprinting spiritualist? Submit your own apocryphal offerings in the comments section below. The owner of the funniest and most original submission will receive psalms of praise, here and on our Facebook page. The end is nigh; Thursday at midnight, so be sure to have your ideas in before then. Let the Naked Jesus Race begin!

via Cheezburger

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Heating Up The Charts

Mon, May 20, 2013 01:35 PM by Soup Staff

Good news, fans of Barry Manilow-lookalikes…Tan Mom Patricia Krentcil is back! Oh wait, she was never gone, and seems to have the staying power of a severed octopus tentacle. For those who thought she'd been washed up by a wave pool riddled with urine and bomb pop stick bacteria, she's just been busy working on her very first music video, "It's Tan Mom"—perfect for those who want to burn their corneas due to extreme usage of the Brightness/Contrast function.

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Threat Assessment: Swift Kick to the Bieber

Mon, May 20, 2013 12:56 PM by Shannon Lucas

We're sailing into troubled waters here, folks. A battle appears to be fomenting between two of the world's most entitled tween icons and first blood was drawn last night at the Billboard Music Awards. It seems Taylor Swift was none too pleased that her rival for the hearts and minds of all pubescence, Justin Bieber, beat her out to win the Milestone Award. When asked point blank about the upset, Swift responded thusly:

Could just be a professional rivalry. A little healthy competition never hurt anyone, right? Then again, this is Taylor Swift we're talking about. Her gears of angst must be grinding and belching smoke right about now, laboriously churning out her next inevitable hit about being slighted...yet again. And if you think it ain't personal, oh it is. It most definitely is.

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Negative Reinforcements

Mon, May 20, 2013 11:15 AM by Shannon Lucas

Some of the best movie moments are those where the main characters have clearly had enough. Be it out of terror or frustration or implacable loss, an anguished, "NOOOOOO!!!" is perhaps the best way to let it all out and let the audience know that sh*t's gone sideways. String a bunch of these dramatic outbursts together and you've got yourself an effective everyday tool for telling people, "Thanks, but no thanks."

 

 

Queue this one up on your smartphone and keep it handy for solicitors outside of supermarkets. Or for overly tenacious offspring. Or just to annoy your friends. The possibilities are endless!

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Leftover Soup 5/17/13

Fri, May 17, 2013 03:47 PM by Lizzy Cooperman

The time has come for you, like Kim Kardashian, to cut your feet free from their perspex prisons, rest them gently on a plush ottoman, and allow them to morph from murdered Play-Doh back to their naturally intended forms. It's time to free yourself like like Nicki Minaj from American Idol from your daily stresses and check yourself into your personal sanctuary; the Betty Ford clinic of your mind. Indeed, it's your moment to enjoy this weekly link round-up, and allow your worries to disipate like the fat from this dog who had plastic surgery. 

FROM THE SOUP TV

Ke$ha looked like someone last week, but we just can't put our greasy extension on it.

Are the rumors true? Is Beyoncé pregnant?? We hired a translator to find out.

We celebrated sons who love their mother in especially Oedipal ways.

Kanye had his very first headache not caused by a nasal inflection.

We took a historical tour of Aberchubby & Blimp.

Tan Mom will appear in her first porno, but she's burned brightly on screen before.

Thanks to Snooki's new sunglass line, kids can finally black out in style.

We found out which Teen Mom was voted Most Likely To Demand Child Support.

If you want to feel really great about your talents, come take a look what we reGIFted.

FROM THE WEB

Our prayers are with Amy and her family as they recover from this reality sh*tstorm.

We're preparing ourselves to say goodbye to yet another View-Master.

Everytime a soft lens is applied,  Ahmed Angel gets photoshopped wings.

 

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Clippos Overreactivos

Fri, May 17, 2013 02:04 PM by Soup Staff

It's been a week of both major and minor revelations in the world of entertainment news; enough goings-on that we thought it might be time to check in with our friends in Telanovela Land again. Frankly, we're surprised they find the time to care, what with all the assassination plots and long lost siblings they have to attend to. But true to form, they're right there with us, taking the news a little harder than most and bearing their souls unabashedly.

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Nerve Wracker

Fri, May 17, 2013 09:40 AM by Shannon Lucas

Some people really go in for the snap-crackle-pop approach to relief that's offered up by chiropractors. On the other hand, many find this form of therapy a little too off-putting for serious consideration. For those in the latter category, we might recommend watching this commercial for Ryan Lee Chiropractic Center with the sound turned down. You may not get the full effect but you can still experience Mr. Lee staring into your soul, as he works his unorthodox brand of mojo.

 

 

Say what you will about chiropraxis but that magic Mr. Lee does to your gums and molars will make you feel like a million bucks. Or, at the very least, like a modestly compensated actor from Craigslist.

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Julia Child Abuse

Thu, May 16, 2013 04:29 PM by Jessie Gaskell

Fox knows the throbbing purple vein on Gordon Ramsay's forehead is a perfect barometer for his show's ratings. When the vein becomes engorged with blood, typically the result of someone's cooking ineptitude, ratings go through the roof.

Fox execs had been struggling to supply Gordon with a steady stream of terrible chefs, when it occurred to them: who could be worse in the kitchen, than children?! That's the genius behind Fox's new fall show, "Junior Master Chef. " This is not a joke – Gordon Ramsay will judge budding chefs ages 8-13 and, ideally, crush their dreams and will to live with his unchecked rage. It sounds like a completely inappropriate and potentially damaging abuse of television. So yeah, we'll be watching!

Here are some moments we hope we can look forward to (Okay, this part is a joke).

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The Emperor's New Lows

Thu, May 16, 2013 01:48 PM by Lizzy Cooperman

Since Mike Jeffries, the washed-up Prom King of a CEO at Abercrombie & Fitch, released a statement that the company doesn't want anyone who would even go near a 200 pound breadbox wearing their clothing, they've received quite the plus-sized backlash. But their exclusory sales methods didn't just crop up all of a sudden. The company was founded back in 1892, on the same big boned-hating values.

Much like Jeffries, Abercrombie & Fitch didn't live up to traditional standards of beauty. Self-hating entrepreneurs, they encouraged their staff to ask overweight customers if they were looking for "a rugged mountaineering bib, or what."

Then, one day, Mr. Fitch woke up from a spaghetti coma with a brilliant idea! The store would stop pumping french fry grease through the vents, and start pumping douchey, bro-ish cologne.

They started blasting Beethoven so loud, customers could feel it rippling through their visible rib cages. They also decided to turn off the lights, so you couldn't tell if you were buying a mini-skirt with cargo pockets or a worn-out sweatshirt referencing the awesomeness of weekends.

The female employees were measured daily, to make certain they weren't growing cankles.

One day, Grover Cleveland stopped by, looking for something simple to wear to his Inauguration. He knew he looked good in earth tones, and wanted something with an elastic waistband so he could eat whatever he pleased at the Ball. The model at the entrance hissed and laughed, and pointed him down the road to Ye Olde Lane Bryant's.

When The Depression hit, the customer became thinner and thinner, thus inspiring the size 00 and eventually the destitute, and therefore shirtless, male model. Though Abercrombie & Fitch itself has expanded over the years, the mindset has obviuosly not. And so it goes, that the weight of the CEO's words sink his needlessly embroidered yacht.

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Teen Mom Yearbook

Thu, May 16, 2013 01:00 PM by Jessie Gaskell

Teen Mom is MTV's biggest cautionary tale against the dangers of unprotected reality show participation. After five seasons of airing this hour-long Trojan commercial, MTV has given birth (so to speak) to the careers of many new sexually and/or criminally active reality stars.

But how do the graduates of the Teen Mom training program perform in the real world? Let's catch up with some of their most prominent alumni...

FARRAH ABRAHAM

Farrah's probably had the biggest media presence lately after the release of her private sex tape — or should we say "private" "sex" "tape" — Backdoor Teen Mom. The tape sold to Vivid entertainment for $1.5 million, immediately after which Farrah was spotted driving a new $400K Lamborghini, despite our insistence that it loses $100K in value the moment you drive it off the lot.

Farrah was pleased to learn that her sex tape broke the record for downloads previously held by another reality star who shall not be named (Voldemort). Farrah also just inked a six figure diet pill endorsement — perhaps following in the footsteps of Voldemort's Trimspa deal.

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