It's a particularly heavy-hearted day for those of us who took Courtney Stodden for a girl who would never put one past us, because we couldn't see past what we thought were her enormous, NATURAL boobs. Ladies and Gentlemen, we've been bamboob-zled.
According to Courtney's giggle-filled confession, she's been deceiving us for years with the help of a no-good, double-crossing padded bra. But now she's doing the noble thing, and making it RIGHT. Because there's nothing more honest than obtaining silicone implants.
Courtney wants to assure her fans that, contrary to rumors, her new boobs are completely organic, 100% silicone.
They say that if you love your job, you'll never work a day in your life. This freight handler at Guangzhou Airport would like to know who 'they' are, so he can lob boxes at their smug, stupid faces.
Admittedly, this doesn't look like the best job in the world but some small, cursory effort seems like it might make things easier. C'mon buddy. You're actually doing more work by trying to do no work at all.
If it's any consolation though, you're not alone in your cultivated incompetence. The world is resplendent with the end results of other minimal efforts like yours.
Much like NASCAR, there are those of us who only watch beauty pageants in the hopes that we will see a massive, horrifying wreck. For fail aficianados of this variety, last night's Miss USA pageant did not disappoint. During the question and answer portion of the show Miss Utah Marissa Powell was stumped by a question from none other than Real Housewives of Atlanta's own Nene Leakes.
It's always weird to be reminded that rubber comes from trees. This time more than most, though.
We're still a little wary of GMOs but Forever Alone Orchards makes a strong case for the possibilities.
Have a better caption for this bumper crop of bimbos? Submit your own in the comments section below! The owner of the funniest and most original submission will become the object of our affection, here and on our Facebook page. Please have your ideas in by Thursday at midnight, by which point the novelty will have worn off and we'll all probably feel the need for a shower.
Have you ever stopped to wonder what really happened to Jersey Shore? According to our shocking discovery, the Shore was even more HPV-like than we ever imagined—meaning, it never really went away.
Did you actually think the entertainment industry would, after making millions of dollars just by sucking the lemon drop shots of their existences from their spray tan-poisoned veins, settle for only six measly seasons??
NO. What we've found is that another network has taken every single element—from the characters to the outdoor peeing areas—from Jersey Shore, and recycled them into something glossier, something more West Elm-ish. Open your eyes, people. Jersey Shore IS The Bachelorette.
Question: Have you ever seen Desiree and JWOWW ravaging the exact same rack at Bebe, at the exact same time?? It's time to wake up.
You thought this was the Bachelorette hot tub's television debut, didn't you?? Stop being fooled by its below-ground persona. If you saw its Reality TV resume, it would blow you out of the water…and blow you in the water, if it increased its chances of obtaining a SAG voucher.
Honey Boo Boo child is coming back and we can't wait. Not only are we going to a get a look at how many of Sugar Bear's teeth made it through the long hiatus, we're also going to finally have an opportunity to smell the show. How, you ask? By snagging one of the ten million watch "watch & sniff" cards being distributed to promote the season premiere.
Viewers will be able to scratch and sniff the card along with the episode to fully immerse themselves in what we're sure will be a touching, classy, and not at all highly exploitative reality TV sh*t show. Technically we haven't seen the card yet but we're fairly certain it'll be something close to this. You'll find a helpful scent key below.
1. Baby Kaitlyn's grim, educationless future. 2. Kid Rock songs playing at a formal event. 3. Peeing in a bounce house. At a formal event. 4. Smoking pet. 5. Diabeetus.
Not that it needs to be said, but "diabeetus" smells like candy corn.
Moving Day is over. Pizza and beer for everybody! Metaphorically speaking of course; we're not made out of money. We've Feng Shui-ed the many handsome contributions you all made and found the one comment that we think deserves a place of prominence. We're thinking on the end table between Sofas # 2 & 3.
Congratulations Joan! We think any of the incomprehensible heaps of spinning cogs and gears from the Michael Bay movies come close but definitely agree that this sad specimen would be turned away by the Autobots and Decepticons alike.
Thank you to our other contributors as well! We saw The Kardashians and Juney-Boo Boo laid low, among others, by your wits and had a hard time choosing a favorite. Be sure to come back after the weekend for an all-new Caption This! contest.
Making good on a promise he originally made in 1984 and then again, less iconically in 1991 and 2003, Arnold Schwarzeneggar will indeed be back. Again. At the premiere for The Last Stand, the actor-cum-politician-cum-actor-once-more somewhat unenthusiastically intimated his involvement in not one, not two, but three sequels to some of the original film franchises that helped make him a household name.
Another Terminator sequel was pretty much inevitable. A reprisal as Conan could be interesting, if done right, but Triplets? That seems an indication that Noldy is up for beating pretty much any horse, alive or dead. If he's come this far along in the process already, we see no harm in suggesting a few other roles he might as well reprise while he's at it.
The Running Man 2: Keeping Up With the Apocalypse
Having intimate knowledge of how the game is played, Ben Richards forsakes his moral imperative and becomes a consulting producer on the re-boot of The Running Man. Instead of using prisoners, the show now holds nationwide auditions that people eagerly turn up in the thousands to participate in. Most don't want to actually engage in blood sport; they just want attention.
Catchphrase: "Congratulations dawg. You killed in that audition."
Having saved Mars, then retired in relative tranquility, Douglas Quaid once again turns to the recall chair, to help him remember where he left his keys and remind him to buy more Depends.
Catchphrase: "See you at the party. But...I may be a little late."
Commando: Justifiable Homicide
Alyssa Milano gets abducted by another would-be dictator from Arnold's past but Arnold just watches a Murder She Wrote marathon, rather than saving her because c'mon, she's in her forties now and she should be able to take care of herself. Leaving the nest will be probably good for her anyways.
Catchphrase: "Remember when I promised to only watch one more episode? I lied."
Predator vs. Prey
Pretty much the same premise as the previous Predator movies but now riding the wave of success enjoyed by torture porn movies like Saw and Hostel. Basically, it's two hours of a super-strong alien with unparalleled weaponry, casually kicking Arnold over as he tries to hobble away.
After three years of marketing, over 260 trailers, and months of "relevant" product tie-ins (Like those Carl's Jr. Super Bacon Cheeseburgers Kal-El is always eating in the movie) the day is upon us. Man of Steel is here.
This, of course, means two things: One, people with no sense of creativity will finally know what to be for Halloween. Two, we'll get see how this movie stacks up against previous Superman films…when it comes to FASHION! But for that answer don't ask us. Ask US.
Yes, we know we didn't represent the Brandon Routh juggernaut Superman Returns in this post. Our apologies to its fan.